Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Best table by far
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.