“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems