I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Hey i am sexy to you now
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Twitter is an abusement park.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Who says great literature is dead?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
smh
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”