It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I need a headline like this
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.