Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.