How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.