I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Doctors texting each other.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Livid.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.