Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
How animals would run if they were human
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
So that’s what we looked like?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.