If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.