I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Finally! 😈
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Breaking news:
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain