GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida