I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
every single time
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.