I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Home #decor warning.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
life finds a way
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”