The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Oh yeah that’s it
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”