The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Planet of the Apps.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I wish I were this cool 😂
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.