[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Bobby pin
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.