*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?