I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.