marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.