*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
What my back needs
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already