My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
O Wise One….
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.