Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When the stylist spins you back around