*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size