Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
this could fix me
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
For anyone who needs this today
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*