me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually