me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.