Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.