frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You Might Also Like
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with