sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.