Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
You Might Also Like
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The booster protects against what, now?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.