*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me before I type out affect or effect
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody