I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.