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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
sigh
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I missed you with all my darts
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??