i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
translated into Canadian
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Birds & Planes.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.