me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.