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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’ve had relationships like this
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
#titanic
I thought this was funny lol
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.