I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.