Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*