Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
It’s actually Dr. whatever