“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑