[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.