Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.