My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired