[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
This makes total sense…