I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Miscakes
Haven鈥檛 seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don鈥檛 tell me which lamp falls over.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can鈥檛 do this to people.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don鈥檛 unfollow me
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
So creative 馃槀
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[at doctor鈥檚 office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I鈥檓 out of the room but okay.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
adding to the discourse
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
6yo: You鈥檙e grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.