Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Autocorrect completely socks
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.