DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took