i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You Might Also Like
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
and now we wait
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement