When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.