The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them